Beth's Journal

I've only been awake for two hours and have already cried into my breakfast because of a post a friend of mine made on Facebook where he talked about how he's been feeling for the past few months, and we're essentially experiencing the same things (heightened anxiety, jealousy/anger at people just ignoring safe protocols to spend time with people outside their house/pretending things are normal, generally a hot mess). I just want to go hug him and tell him he's not alone, but he's in freakin' Kentucky and I'm in Indiana and there's a pandemic raging on, soooo...

Yeah. I don't think today's going to be a good day.

I've been quiet lately, I know. I spent the weekend in Lake George, and purposely didn't bring my laptop, so that explains this weekend's absence. I've been reading everyone's entries, but haven't really had much to talk about.

I've re-discovered my love for Dream Theater. They're a prog-rock band that Justin introduced me to back when we were dating, back in 2001. We got to see them twice in concert, and I really love their stuff. I fell out of the habit of listening to them when they took a turn towards the metal side, and I wasn't a huge fan of metal back then... Now, my tastes have changed, and I'm rediscovering them and remembering old favorite songs, and it's awesome.

I get very frustrated when the girls from the sorority I was in call me directly and ask me to cover their shifts at the computer lab. They expect me to take their shifts because I'm a 'sister'. I don't want to work for them because I literally can't (I'm working 40 hours a week for the college, and I can't work any more), and I don't want to work for them on principle - they ONLY talk to me when they need something, and usually it's covering one of their shifts. Just because I'm working at Levitt doesn't mean it's my only job, and I can't drop everything to work your shift. Plan better, and post to the damn email list. It's there for a reason - so you can find someone to cover your shift.

I'm bordering on the edge of wanting to hide for no reason. Yesterday afternoon, all I did was curl up in bed and watch Bones for 5 hours. I'd like to do that tonight, but I have to go to yoga. I'll feel better after yoga.

I don't know what's wrong with me today. All through work, it felt like I'd totally forgotten how to interact with other humans, and it just slowly got worse as the day dragged on. It ended up getting to the point where I wanted to crawl underneath my desk and just hide. Now I'm home, and I've eaten and so on, and I should be relaxed, but I'm just getting worse.

Fuck, I hope it's not my seasonal affective crap coming on early. Fuck fuck fuck. I only feel like this when I'm depressed, when the sun goes away and the leaves fall down and all that.

At least it can't get any worse than last year, right? With the whole student teaching mess and all? I still shudder at the thought of going into an elementary school - how bad is that? I wonder if Mrs. Burnett even realizes exactly what she did when she told my supervisor she didn't want me coming back to the school. That whole experience seriously fucked me over. I battled daily anxiety attacks, insane amounts of stress, and still forced myself to put on a happy face and work myself to exhaustion. And then that.

Yeah. Not going to think about that. It'll probably make me cry. I'm already borderline weepy as it is.

OH WAIT I KNOW WHAT THIS IS. It's me being hormonal from skipping a period so I could go on my honeymoon period-free.

Well, crap.

Anyway. I just feel like a loser in general. I mean, it's a Friday night, and I'm curled up in my armchair under piles of blankets, drinking wine, listening to Ayreon and reading comics, while the rest of the town is probably partying. Whatever. This is what I do.

Meanwhile on an entirely different subject, I'm married now. When do I start feeling like an adult? Or have I been living my own demented version of adulthood for the past three years and never even realized it? Because nothing's changed. He still leaves his socks all over the place and complains about doing dishes, and I still leave my underwear all over the bathroom and complain about folding laundry. I still listen to Lady Gaga, he still plays video games. I still sleep with my security blanket, he still steals the blankets. I mean, I know, essentially nothing should change except my name, but.... I'd sort-of hoped for more for myself at this age than living in a rundown college town apartment, working maximum hours for minimum wage, still in graduate school.

If I'd known where I would end up in ten years when I started college, if I'd known what decisions I would make and the fucked up ride I would end up on, I wonder if I'd have done something different.