Beth's Journal

i don't know why this is affecting me so much. i just had a dream about my best friend justin (formerly ex boyfriend, but since we've known each other so long the ex part got dropped). i dreamed someone made a movie out of us, out of how depressed we were back when we were dating. and i'm watching this movie, watching us cuddle, and dream me is "oh god these characters are spot on! that guy really acts and sounds like justin! that girl looks like me! and that looks exactly like justin's house!" while the me in the backrground is realizing i never got over him. even though i treated him like shit. anyway, the dream goes on, and turns out i'm at my mom's, and i call justin to come see this movie, and he apparently pulls up the same time my dad walks up the driveway, and that's just before i woke up, when the dream started to lose it- apparently a dog (not mom's, one of the ones i petsit for) had gotten out the gate and dad wouldn't come in until kaya was in. anyway, i think i saw justin for a split second before i woke up.

why am i crying right now? how the hell did this affect me so much?

i think he's in NY, i know he said he was coming over mid april and leaving this weekend for iowa for the last time. i hope he comes to see me like he usually does when he leaves. i miss him. i don't know why i miss what we had- i treated him like shit, and i still feel bad for it, almost six years later. i wish i'd kept my head on straight, and treated him right, yanno? maybe that's why i'm crying.

i dunno. i just hope i get to see him. i hope he doesn't mind that i texted him at 3:30 am.

i'm gonna go back to sleep and replay that dream in my head until i fall asleep again, which may not happen, i fell asleep at 9 last night. ugh.