Beth's Journal

It's been a weird couple of days, that's for sure.

I'm not even going to talk about the election. I don't want to jinx things there by talking about my hopes/etc.

NaNoWriMo has been going alright - I passed 10k words yesterday, but kept getting distracted when I sat down to write in the evening. The big brain-breaking interruption was from Rana, saying "someone we know came out as trans today" and commented about how she was jealous that this friend was able to transition so quickly.

Then she showed me a picture of her new car, and said something along the lines of "Luna came out and told me that she never really felt right being a giant powerful Subaru Outback, and she transitioned into a fancy Toyota Prius Prime."

That kind of hit me weirdly - first off, I thought she was going to be a Subaru girl, and she even convinced me to get a Subaru of my own. Plus, we used to make fun of Priuses when she had a Honda CRZ (a fancy sports car hybrid) and say "our hybrid is more fun than your hybrid!" What really got to me, though, was her going back to a tiny sports car hybrid like she had when we first met - it was like she was erasing our time together and throwing herself back into her batchelorette ways. She bought her first Subaru (a Crosstrek) because she realized that maybe it wasn't exactly practical to have a car with no back seat, especially if we make large purchases that don't all fit in the car at once. (Like that time we bought two desk chairs at once, and she had to leave me at Office Depot with one of them while she drove the other home because they both wouldn't fit in the CRZ.)

So, yeah, I spent a chunk of time crying into my tablet last night while trying to write an emotional part of my novel. I guess that's one way to get into your character's state of mind? I blame my reaction on a combination of things, including anxiety over the election, dealing with hormones (it's that time of the month), and my general emotional shakiness thanks to the pandemic. Usually I'd be so excited about Rana getting a new car. Hell, she even talked to J about his experience owning a hybrid! And she hardly ever intentionally reaches out to J for anything! I should be happy, you know? But it's just another reminder that she and I are splitting up. And it sucks, because I still love her, and I still want her in my life - I just can't live with her any longer, we drive each other insane.

Dammit, if I keep talking about this, I'm going to start crying again, so I'm going to end this entry here, go make myself a chai, and prep for my next meeting (one down, two to go, wheee)